Gratitude. . .

There truly are so many things to be grateful for. I am grateful for children that keep us smiling and keep us amazed at their intelligence. It seems to me that it doesn't matter how old the kids get, each new thing they do is just as cool as their first step. I love milestones!!! Yesterday I picked Garrett up from school early to go get his flu shot. I asked, "How was school, buddy?" His reply, "B-O-R-I-N-G". It took my slow brain to catch on that he had just spelled Boring!. He is in kindergarten and is now speaking to me in "spelling language" It is hilarious! I replied, "A-W-E-S-O-M-E!" He laughed and said, "Awesome, mom!" Janalen is my tough kid. Today was her turn for the flu shot and as the nurse stabs her with the needle, she states, "That's not bad at all!" and "I guess I am pretty tough". Zane has turned into a red-headed version of Dennis the Menace. The positive side of this extra active little boy is that I have lost 6 lbs in the last week! Yeah for toddlers!!!! Blessings come in ways that we least expect. I finally did come to the "Thy will be done, Lord" feeling completely and have been seeking guidance as to the next step for us. Ben started working full time yesterday at Humana, while still working part-time at Westmoreland Pharmacy as a tech. I interviewed and got a job at Humana also in a different department. I believe I will be starting next week. I am SOOOOO Grateful for Ben's job, and am grateful for mine. Now I am praying for peace to come to terms with the feelings of guilt and neglect that I will be leaving Zane in day care all day and won't be home for Janalen and Garrett after school. I know that they will all be well cared for, but still. . . I never wanted to do anything in life, but be a stay at home mom and serve in the gospel and take care of everyone around me: my kids, husband, family, friends, neighbors, etc. I am so conflicted that I can't do that right now and that now I have to spend 40 hrs a week earning money. I suppose that I need to realize that I am still caring for my family, just in a different manner. I know it will all work out. I have decided to pursue pharmacy for myself for a career. I have felt so inspired to follow my patriarchal blessing and continue my education. I feel the need to be prepared to care for my family's need should Ben ever be unable to. You hear stories all the time about accidents, illness, etc that traumatize family's financially. If I start in January and go ahead full steam, I will hopefully be admitted into a pharmacy program July of 2011. I do feel blessed because I have learned a great deal through all of our trials this past year. We are still trying to work hard to get our heads above water, but know that if we continue to have faith, pay our tithing, etc we will receive much needed blessings.

A New Day!

So sorry, for yesterday's vent-fest of frustration. It was one of those "break-down" days. Good news though. . . It is noon and I haven't cried yet today. So today is a better day. It is true what my dad says about no matter what happens the sun always comes up in the morning. Last night I had the most unusual dreams. I was trying with all my might to figure out why someone had filed all these things incorrectly while trying to take care of little children, make dinner, and answer telephones. Basically I think it was a nightmare of what would happen if all my life responsibilities were to need accomplished all at the exact same moment. WEIRD!!!! Today, I am feeling better. I don't think I am hopeful yet, but at least functioning. I am now trying to come to the "THY WILL BE DONE" phase of a trial. I am trying to figure out how to get to that phase without giving up on trying to improve things myself. I'm going to ponder on that. . . for a while, I'm sure.

"It's No Fun Being Poor"

That was a BYU devotional given by Marvin J Ashton. Boy was he right! I had hopes that things were improving for us, but all to no avail! I worked for a week with a temp agency for a good place, but they are hesitating to fire their normal Admin. Assistant. Don't ask me why, because she certainly isn't doing a very good job. Anyway. . . no call today and my hopes were dashed that they would rather stick with Miss "less than effective" than hire someone who actually knows how to work. Oh, well. We are just supposed to endure more of this trial. I have to admit that today is one of those days that I am ready to throw the towel in. I am so SICK and TIRED of all of this. I have the hardest time understanding why we needed to move just so that things could go from difficult to impossible and horrible. Sorry, today is a "Poor Me" feeling day. I honestly am just so tired of all the collection calls, which are simply constant reminders that we are failing and suck as humans because we can't provide for ourselves. The children's requests of "Can we go do _______?" or "Can I have this?" or "Can we have a treat tonight?" And they keep getting the same old response "Sorry, but we just can't afford it right now" and in my mind. . . "or ever!" Yesterday was a hard morning because I had to take the baby to daycare for the first time in his life. He could tell that I was going to drop him off, because the second I pulled him out of the carseat, he developed a death grip on me and then screamed his head off when I left. I then cried all the way to work. All the while thinking, how on earth am I going to do this for the next ____ years? So today I am looking for any ray of hope because it seems I have hit the bottom again and feel so completely hopeless!.

Cursed?

I am quickly becoming fully convinced that we are CURSED!!!!  Just a quick run down of this past week. . . Saturday, while cleaning the church, my back "went out"  so I spent the next 2 days lying flat in bed.  Zane got croup and I spent Sunday and Monday night all night in the ER and then was privileged enough to get a baby so pumped up with steroids that I was seriously willing to sell him this week!  

Tues:  I am back on my feet again with relatively little pain!!! Yeah!!!

Wed:  Can't get out of bed or stand until 2 p.m.  UGH!!!

Thurs:  Ben took our van to presidency meeting and was hit during the meeting.  He came out to find the driver's side all bashed in.  No note, of course. . . Angry as he was though he began knocking on neighbors doors and luckily found the man that backed into the van.  

Fri:  Sat for 2 hrs 15 min in the Pediatric GI's office just to talk to the doctor for 5 min.  (What a waste!!!!)

Tried to print a paper before leaving the house just to have the printer began to make a horrible noise.  Someone (will remain anonymous) put a wad of gum on the top sheet of the paper that was in the printer.  I had gum go clear through my printer!!! (More great fun!)

3 p.m.:  Ben calls and has now "thrown his back out" while changing a batch of laundry. . . 

And we still have employment issues!  

At this point I say,  "Are you kidding me?"  

Maybe we should consider moving to the mountains or an uninhabited land, live off the land solely, and become recluses from the world.  Giving this idea a great deal of thought. . .

I Feel . . .

Like a freak and a butt (at times my mood isn't the best)

Definitely like a two headed monster!

and. . . 

Yes, my head really does explode (in tears) at least once a day,  

and then I think, "Emmaline Pulchritudinous would fix herself up. . .

. . .and just keep going with life, children, home, and husband: Smiling and doing lunges as she moves from one end of the house to the other changing laundry."  

I then actually laugh and do lunges from one end of the house to the other while changing the laundry and only tipping over once (balance isn't one of my redeeming attributes).

To sum up. . . Some days it takes me doing these hilarious photos of myself to keep from falling to pieces for good.  I hope it brings a smile and a laugh to all who read it.  Love you all!

I Feel . . .

This is how I am feeling today . . . 

Mixed up and definitely MESSED up!

Waiting, Snot, and Dishes. . .

Isn't that what life entails most of the time?  I have three sick kids, the baby who loves to walk over raise his hands high above his head (indicating he wants to be picked up) and when his request is granted. . . he gives a sweet snuggle followed by a not so subtle wipe of his nose across your arm or chest, smearing snot EVERYWHERE!  Just signs of how much he loves his mommy!  This morning I went to Adecco, a temp agency, to meet with a recruiter to find employment.  We have come to the game plan of me working full time during the day, Ben working a night job, and then hopefully we will be able to make ends meet and he will get into Pharmacy School (major prayers and begging to Father in Heaven for this one!).  It is so frustrating that I have more earning potential than Ben when he is the one that has the Bachelor's Degree.  Crazy world just gets crazier!  Anyway, I went to the appt at 9 and waited outside a locked office for 50 min. I ended up driving into Louisville to a different location and now will hopefully be interviewing next week for the woman who missed my appt's job.  I just pray that we are making the right decision as far as me working during the day.  

It is so hard for a mother to be away from her "domain" and leave the babies and chores to someone else (even if it is a good intentioned husband).  

I have had the most wonderful friend since we've moved out here to Mulletland.   Janelle (http://williamandjanell.blogspot.com/) has such an amazing spirit of faith, hope, and light.  She is enduring an amazingly difficult trial right now (brain tumor) that makes me feel so pathetic for even complaining of our financial trial.  However, she always wants to listen, help, and give hope and encouragement to me.  What a selfless person!!!!!  If we could all be so. . . 

I have the chance to help Janelle with some things in preparation for her surgery and I don't think I could ever tell her what a blessing it has been to be there helping her, but most of all her helping me by listening and being a friend when she has much bigger things going on in her life.  I strive to be more like her.  She is truly a Christlike example of love and friendship.  

Grandma Greene is good one hour and terrible the next.  Time will only tell.  She has done such amazing things in her life in the past 10+ years in serving the Lord.  She went from being an inactive member who lost her life's love after 52 years of marriage to going to the temple a year later and then working in the temple up to 3 days a week at one point.  She has been an inspiration to all her posterity.  If you ever had a question about the relationship and communication a person can have with Heavenly Father, it would all be answered after listening to her say 1 prayer.  She literally "talks" to our Father in Heaven.  It is that testimony that she shares that helps me keep my faith going.  Amazing to think this little doll of a grandma was once a drinking, smoking, farmer's wife.  

I have hope that I can make positive changes in my life too.  Just like Grandma!  Somewhere inside I have to have at least some of the courage she does.  (After all I do have her fingers and feet!)  

Love you Grandma!

Money . . . UGH!!!!!!!

Oh how I hate money!  It is such a stressful thing.  Job hunting is even more stressful.  The whole trying to trust the Lord and stay positive thing is proving a bit difficult today.  But I will keep trying to be optimistic and keep praying with all my heart that Mr. Pulchritudinous (Ben) will become gainfully employed this week in a steady good paying job.  My heart breaks for the frustration and inadequacies that he feels.  I wish that I could give him all the confidence in the world and that others could see him how I do.  I want more than anything for him to be able to provide for us so that he feels like he is doing his part/role in taking care of us.  It is hard to hear the daily apologies for not being able to provide all that we need and want.  Today has been discouraging for both of us.  I do love him so!!  

I will however, keep staying positive and saying to myself that "WE WILL FIND EMPLOYMENT THIS WEEK, NO MATTER WHAT!"  That is our goal and we will do all we can to achieve it.  Trials and hardships are such interesting things to try and understand.  Is this one for me to develop and learn something or is this one so that I can say "I understand!  We have been there" to someone else that is struggling with the same trial.  

I know that I am a loved daughter of God and that we can and will make it through this most difficult time.  

Sorry for the sob-story post today.

Attitude!

Talk about attitude!  Our youngest, Zane, is so full of attitude most days that I fear his little 13 month old body will burst from one of his screeches of displeasure.  He also had a great deal of "I'm Mr. Funny and I know it!"  attitude.  It amazes me how each child in a family is so entirely their own individual with such neat attributes.  Janalen loves to laugh and create.  She would craft her way through every item in our entire house if we would let her.  Garrett is always so loving and caring toward his sister.  He does anything to make her feel better.  He also is my "football fan!"  He is such a sweet tender-hearted boy.  I hope he doesn't grow out of that.  There are days when his hugs and kisses and "Mom, I love you higher than our bunkbeds!"  are all that keep me from crumbling.  I have been so blessed to have all three of these wonderful spirits in our home.  Ben (aka Mr. Pulchritudinous) and I somehow make pretty good kids.  

As I was preparing my lesson for church this week it was like a huge wake-up call!  Any guesses as to what the topic was??  Anyone? Buhler? Buhler?  ATTITUDE!!!!!  Amazing how the Lord just knows what you need to read/study/hear sometimes and pretty much slaps you in the face with it and says, "Wake UP!!!!!  Changes are in order Miss."  It was amazing to me the comfort and especially courage that came with reading this lesson.  

My favorite quote was from President Spencer W. Kimball:  

"I remind you. . . that regardless of your present age, you are building your life; . . . it can be full of joy and happiness, or it can be full of misery.  It all depends upon you and your attitudes, for your altitude, or the height you climb, is dependent upon your attitude or your response to situations."

That was such a wake up call to me.  I realized that even though we are struggling so desperately financially right now and with some major discouragements all around that I can either be miserable or have a better attitude and reach a higher altitude.  I can be happy right now even though it is the most difficult time of my life thus far.  

The other major realization I came to was that in order to get a better attitude I need to continue to pray and study the scriptures.  That by doing these things my faith will increase and that will increase my hope and that will increase my optimism.  If I exercise more faith and TRUST in the Lord, then I can be more optimistic and be happy.  

So my goal for this week will be to stay optimistic!  Exercise my faith in my Father in Heaven and his plan for me and my family.  

Enough of the deep thoughts (by Dori)  Ha! Ha!  Anyone remember the SNL thing: Deep thoughts by Jack Handy.  Those were so funny!  Random thought that ran through my head.  You'll learn that I have nothing but random thoughts running through my head most of the time.  It's what makes conversations with me interesting, or so I've been told.   

I am going to go get my nightly Lost fix. . .  and not have that bowl of BlueBell ice cream that I have missed from my San Antonio days, but have recently discovered here in Mulletland.  Hey! Add that to the pros list of Mulletland:  They have BlueBell Ice Cream!!!!!!!

Ok, so the word Pulchritudinous is not even close to an accurate description of me, but I like to think that my alter ego self (Mrs. Pulchritudinous) has a much better grip on life, thus enabling me to better deal with life's daily bull.  She has more mental space to comprehend and react to problems/trials/hardships because none of her brain is bothered with, "I am so bloated today!" or "Could my hair look any uglier?"  or "I swear that I will start that crash diet tomorrow and I won't eat peanut butter and melted chocolate chips for at least a month!"  

Now on to our adventures in Mulletland.  That is how I so fondly refer to this place I am so desperately trying to call home.  My husband and I and our three small children moved from the great potato state of Idaho two months ago to Mulletland Indiana.  Talk about an adjustment!  Ok, so I am still waiting for the adjusting part to actually happen.  So far it has been a whole lot of getting lost and squinting due to extreme focus in trying to discern what in the world people are saying.  I am pretty sure it is english, just nothing close to the dialect I understand.  

I could write a four book series on all the horrible things that have happened to us since our arrival, but who wants to dwell on the terrible?  Let's move on to the fun stuff!

I have discovered that Walmart is a source of GREAT entertainment after 7 p.m. and anytime on the weekends.  If you can be entertained by watching people:  WALMART IS THE PLACE FOR YOU!  

I have discovered that red clay/mud here is much more appealing to children than Idaho mud.  (They must have a sixth sense that tells them this mud is wash proof.  It stains everything!)

I have discovered that people in this area love it so much they have created their own name:  Kentuckiana!  At first I thought I was having the dialect confusion problem again and then I realized they actually have created their own name.  Louisville, KY and Southern Indiana combined!  Feel the interstate love!

I have discovered that I definitely need to learn more patience . . .

And I have discovered that comparing Idaho to Indiana is like comparing apples to prunes.  They are both good for your health, but I am convinced that too much of the latter can definitely cause adverse affects on ones health!